Archive | May, 2012

It Happened Again

20 May

I don’t know if you’ve heard kids, but Ali had another bad date.  As if I really needed another notch in my goober belt.  However, this one is worth recounting since this guy pulled some pretty crazy moves.  No, not the kind of stuff that I freak out over and the rest of you roll your eyes at.  I’m talkin’ ’bout some real crazy sh*t, Willis.

So I thought I was in safe territory with this gentleman (nee, creep) since, like me, he is a graduate student at CU –in renewable energy, no less!  I tend to like to date guys who aren’t in the same program as I am because, let’s face it, I get plenty of it on my own.  I like to be with people who can teach me about something I’m not very familiar with.  Makes things a bit more interesting.

Anyhoo, this guy asked me on a date, and he proposed that we go on a hike and then go for dinner and drinks after.  He asked if his roommate and his girlfriend could join us for the hike, and I was completely fine with it.  I thought it might keep the date light and fun.  In fact, it WAS fun.  We hiked a very challenging trail on the Flatirons that I hadn’t done before, and we made it up in great time since we were distracted by the chit chat and get-to-know-yas.

However, this first date/group date thing has given rise to a new theory of mine: don’t do first date/group date things if you want to find out quickly if the guy you are dating is a weirdo.  Otherwise, it will take you a while until you get him by himself.  In my case, I was about seven hours into the date.  Yes, seven hours.  I know what you’re thinking, but no funny business went down.  It just took that long into the conversation to pull out every bit of the crazy.

Once we got done with dinner, we went back to his place for beers (which he brewed himself!  Can you see how I was initially charmed?)  We chatted it up for quite a while, the usual first date stuff, but suddenly he was showing me personal stuff.  His grandfather’s Bible that he had with him during WWII, for instance.  It was an amazing thing to see, but at this point I realized that I would probably have to make my exit soon so as not to encourage my curse of having guys tell me uber personal stuff right away.  However, he actually chose to shift to the standard “your eyes are beautiful” date move.  I thanked him –awkwardly of course, because I never learned how to graciously take a compliment.  I was out-awkwarded though, when he asked me to “look into the light”, because he claimed that my eyes had changed colors over the course of the evening.  He then proceeded to stare at my eyes like this . . .

for a very long time.  It was at least a full minute, which is forever when someone is staring at your retinas.  Peering.  Invasively observing.  You get the idea.

It was not too long later when he began to talk about how I would like his church . . .

Oh, did I just make you feel uncomfortable?  If so, you can probably understand how I felt.  It reminded me a lot of the first 30 seconds of this Jim Gaffigan clip.  I don’t care if he wanted to tell me about his church where people drink wine and pet bunnies all day.  I didn’t really ask for a church recommendation.  Here is a snippet of the conversation to give you an idea of how he went from a 6 to an 11 on the crazy scale in a matter of a couple minutes.

Him: It’s a great place.  Hundreds of people go.

Me: Oh, so it’s a megachurch?

Him: Well, not really . . . I mean, I guess it would be considered that.  It’s got a coffee shop in the place and everything, but my favorite thing about the place is the music.  They’ve got a really great rock band.  They really help get the message across.  And they’re not really preachy.

Me: Well, that’s good.  I hate it when churches get political.

Him: Yeah, they don’t push you.  Well, they suggest things, and tell you to take time to think about them, but they don’t MAKE you.

Me: I see.

The next day he sent me the link to the church in an e-mail.  So glad your grandpa fought for freedom so you could be here to push your politically-motivated church on me, dude.  Not to mention that you have pushed my bad date stories to the “ad nauseum” point.

So considering the intense peeping of my peepers, and the fact that I dislike poorly-written Christian rock music more than any other genre, I made the VERY difficult decision to never talk to this guy again.  You want to know the real dealbreaker, though?  It was his last name.  I shouldn’t type it here, but it’s a combination of the last two words of the phrase, “Yo mamma’s a ho.”  Yes, I wish I was kidding too.  But sadly, when it comes to my dating stories, I rarely find the need to insert extra jokes.


Just Around The River Bend…

12 May

Question: How do employed people train for long distance races? For me, even without a job, I can lack motivation to hit the trails. I can’t even imagine working 8 hours and THEN taking hours to go train. Kudos to all those people that do, but man, I don’t know if I would have it in me.

I recently got a Garmin running watch. It has a bit of a price tag, so I debated for a while about it. Ultimately, I just went for it because this little tool is going to be super helpful in my training. I ended up getting the Forerunner 110 (the one with the pink stripe), and think it is so cool. For the first time off the treadmill, I can track my distance and pace as I run. I took it out for the first time yesterday, and it totally changed my outlook on a run. Instead of turning around when I got tired or when I thought I hit a certain mileage, I was able to push myself farther…like, “One more half mile, and then you can turn around!” I ended up running 8 miles in total. 5 more miles to go until I’m at the half marathon distance. I’m seriously considering waiting to run a half until later in the summer. I just might not be ready in a few short weeks… Ah, I guess we’ll see. Either way, my little watch is kick ass.

There are a few other expenses that add up when you start to run more frequently. I know, all you really need are some running shoes and a sidewalk…BUT…for me, there have been some additional items. Well, for starters, my running shoes. They are about a year old, and I got them from Fitness Sports in DSM. They were over $100. I may need some new ones soonish, but I’ll hold off until I get a job, whenever that blessed day arrives. I like my shoes, but think I’ll get a half size up next time. I think my feet swell when I run, and my second toe is weirdly longer than my big toe. This can create some awkwardness when I run hills, because those second toe toenails take a beating. Ahem, the Bix race last year, ahem, lost my toenail, ahem, grossest thing ever… There is also my requirement, yes, REQUIREMENT for music when I run. I have my little iPod shuffle which is perfect for running. I can put all my embarrassing pop songs with a good beat on there, and it clips to my clothes. I hate having to hold things when I run. One problem with my iPod is that I may be sacrificing my hearing since I always have the volume turned way up. Also, I bought a foam roller. This little baby hurts like hell to use, but really loosens up my leg muscles. A good foam roller will set you back about $25. And then there is my precious (said like Gollum, of course). And that, ladies, is Body Glide. When it’s too warm not to wear shorts, this stuff is your BFF. Is there anything worse than getting chub rub from having your fat thighs rub together when you run?? Body Glide is this stuff that kind of looks like deodorant that you rub on your thighs, or arms, or anywhere awkward that rubs, to prevent the dreaded chub rub. It’s fantastic.

Today, I took my bike out for a while. There are several trails in my vicinity, and I am always a little nervous to explore too much just while jogging #terriblesenseofdirection. Today I went back to the trail of the dreaded dead toads, thinking that if they were still there, at least I’d be on my bike. And guess what? The plague has stopped! I didn’t see any dead toads! Hooray! I took a fork in a trail that I had never taken before. It was so beautiful! I went for miles along the beautiful Mississippi. Ol’ Man River (Showboat? Anyone? Anyone?) is quite lovely, but it made me miss my Des Moines biking gals terribly. Biking alone is truly a lot less fun than biking with others. It brought me back to the day about a year ago when my friends and I biked the High Trestle Trail near Madrid, IA, and then went to that winery…which I can’t remember the name of. Such a great day. I just wish I could teleport everyone here to bike with me along all the wonderful trails the twin cities have to offer.

Next time I am bringing my iPhone so I can take some photos of how pretty the river trails are!

Now I am “starving” and off to go eat some delicious enchiladas.

Peace out, yo!


Worst Run Ever

3 May

How shady have I been about posting lately? Answer: So, so shady. I know.

I’m on a little bit of a break from grad school before it starts up again next week. This past week I’ve been one big mess. I’ve been sick. I hate being sick. I hate being sick with no mom to bring me Sprite and toast. I’m really such a baby when I get sick. The only thing I really wanted was Jamba Juice, so twice last week I found myself ordering the same thing from the same white Rastafarian who works there. The second day in a row I found myself at Jamba’s door and noticed the same worker, I got nervous that he would judge me for my second-day-in-a-row Jamba trip, but then I realized he is a white Rastafarian, and got over it. Outside the Jamba, someone had written in sidewalk chalk, “Honey, you is beautiful!” Is I? With my dark-rimmed eyes, unenergized posture, and “glasses and pony tail” look, I really doubt it. Thanks anyway, though.

One week later, though still a bit unenergized, I feel much better. So when my friend Kelly called and wanted to go for a run, I felt it would be a good decision. Especially since I’ve been out of commission this past whole week. It.was.brutal.

Honestly, we didn’t even go that far, and ran along a trail I’ve plodded across many times before. This time, I got super winded really early in the run, and had to stop and walk. 30 seconds after we stopped running, I found myself wiping a stream of blood off my face. I’m slightly prone to nosebleeds (must be all that cocaine), but lately I’ve been getting them more often. In the middle of a wooded trail, with nothing to stop the bleeding, Kelly suggested my sock. Off my foot went the gross sock, right to my face. You can imagine some of the looks I got from fellow joggers. Once it eventually stopped, I had to put the bloody sock back on to finish the run. Nice, right?

One thing people who know me well understand is that I am terrified of frogs. I truly cannot stand to be around them. This stems from a fever induced hallucination I had about frogs when I was a toddler. I still remember thinking there were frogs all over my bed and on my mother. It’s a fear that I know will just stick with me forever. Toads are included in the “frog” category for me. Today while jogging, there were several (several!) dead toads along the trails. About 5 minutes after the nose bleed incident, I glanced downward on the trail. Right under my foot, less than a second from being squished, was a plump, large, belly up toad. I let out a blood curdling scream, and leaped in Kelly’s general direction. Kelly’s heart rate monitor took a drastic spike, and I am pretty sure she judged me a little bit for my severe reaction. The rest of the run, I found myself looking straight down and dodging every toad I saw, suppressing the desire to scream with each horrific sighting.

Ultimately, this was one of the worst runs I’ve had in a while. It was humid too! I was a sweaty mess by the time I got home.

Because everyone wants to see how disgusting I was after the run tonight, I’ve posted photos!

Classy stuff, right? I’m definitely not one of these people who can look decent after running. I’m a bit of a goon who can’t resist a “crazy eyes” picture.


Does this fall into an “overshare” category?

I wanted to quote Romy and Michele. You know, the part where Romy is trying to get away from a guy and says, “You’ll have to excuse me. I cut my foot earlier, and now my shoe is filling up with blood.”

So yeah. I need to improve by about 1000% if I am to actually complete this upcoming race.