Old Emails Hall of Fame

22 Feb

If you are anything like Kenz and me, you have utilized your Gmail or Mac e-mail (seriously, does anyone use anything else? If you use Outlook for anything but work, I doubt your humanity) to store old e-mails. If you are even more like Kenz and me, these old e-mails will be filled with hilarious gems that are worthy of scrapbooking (if I didn’t think scrapbooking sounded like the worst activity ever). The best e-mails I have archived are between Kenz and me, starting from just after college up ’til now. These e-mails mark no less than 500 hours of productivity lost -but so much happiness was gained from writing and reading them, and then reading them again. Some parts of these e-mails are just too good not to share, so without further adieu, here are some of the best snippets from the Ali & Kenz E-mail Hall of Fame. And don’t ask for any explanations. You won’t get any.

Best of Quizzes
Me:What is your least favorite country?
Kenz: I guess I would have to say Belize because I never think about it. Do you ever think about Belize?

Me: Favorite Looney Tunes character?
Kenz: Would it be cliche to say Bugs Bunny?
Me: Not at all. I’m secretly kind of attracted to him.

Kenz Wants to Know: You have to name your daughter either Brunhilda or Bajessica (yes, I just made that up).

Best of Dream-Sharing
Kenz’s Nightmare: We were in this weird room in Edinburgh that was pretty big with this closet in it. I started telling you some ghost stories. I mean, obviously… I told you that the closet in our room was haunted by a really mean ghost. You walked in it, and then (guess what?) there was a really mean ghost in there. It totally beat you up.
Me Replying: Love, your friend who would never leave you alone with a Scottish Boggart, Ali

My Unhealthy Attachment Dream: I had a dream last night that I went to pick you up somewhere soon after you landed at the airport. When I picked you up, you wanted to drive so we just switched and started going somewhere and talking like normal. We talked for about 15 minutes until we realized that we hadn’t even hugged and it made us disproportionally upset.

Kenz’s Dream Interview: I had a dream that I was a frazzled mess trying to convince some kind of administrator that I should be hired as the new English teacher and drama coach at Algona High School. I was trying to convince him that “despite the fact I don’t exactly have a teaching license” he should really hire me. PS- this interview was happening in a car.

Kenz’s HORRIBLE Dream: I forgot to mention my absolutely HORRIBLE dream last night. I had this dream where I was an elementary school teacher. For some reason I had given all the kids in my class candy and beer . . . I think most of this also took place in a big European style castle. There were lots of tapestries on the walls and stone floors, obviously.
My Response: I’ll whip out the Dream Dictionary to look some of the signs up. No entry for “candy” under food, but there is one for “scrumptious avocados”. Who the hell is consistenty dreaming about avocados? And specifically scrumptious ones?

My Dream: Well, it was inevitable that I would eventually have a creepy dream about us being lesbians, right? I don’t know why it had to take place in some random Chinatown (in Iowa??).

My Dream: Had a “cuddle” dream about one of the guys at work last night. There wasn’t sex, there wasn’t even kissing, just cuddling. I say that’s almost worse than a sex dream.

Best of Kenz & Ali vs. The World
Me “All in a Day’s Work”: Since I have no one to make eye contact with, I took the things I was annoyed about and started tallying when people did them. Voila! Day is instantly more entertaining and I can feel self-righteous and bitchy without anyone knowing. Perfect.

Kenz Meets a Dumb Friend of a Friend: Sarah started talking about people she shares a birthday with, one being Sarah Palin. And I hear Eleanor say, “Yeah, I can’t believe she thinks she can see Russia from her house. Hello? She lives in Alaska…” I almost choked on my food. And I couldn’t even correct her this time because I was too shocked. She actually didn’t know that was Tina Fey in an SNL spoof. Then we were talking about how one of the other interns couldn’t make it because he was at some kind of protest about how homosexuals can’t give blood. This Eleanor starts talking about how they think it’s because if you get a blood transfusion with a gay person’s blood then you’ll turn gay. She thought she was being really clever and said, “Yeah, but if they give a gay person straight blood, then he’ll be straight….” AND she was being serious. It took me a good couple moments to tell her that actually it’s about the AIDS issue. She just started laughing and said that I was so smart. Or, I don’t know, a citizen of the United States in 2009.

Me Being Mean: His parents should have asked for a general opinion before deciding to procreate. I’m sure they wouldn’t have been deemed good-looking enough.

Me Still Being Mean: *Shudder* I can only imagine them awkwardly trying to procreate in a dingy room with empty, scattered boxes of Cosmic Brownies.

Kenz on People who work for Microsoft: Just socially awkward, paranoid freaks that can read binary, but are about as aware as the piece of gum I’m thinking about chewing.

Me About Brittany Murphy’s Widower: He looks like a dead fish some mad scientist tried to reanimate.

Me about a classless, high-strung co-worker: Hey you honky shrew, calm yo’self!

The Classics
End of Poem I wrote for Kenz: Because I miss you like C3PO misses R2D2. (Too many syllables, but I’m working. No time to rhyme . . . except for that last phrase)
Kenz: So, am I R2D2 or C3PO? I would prefer R2D2, but you can decide. Or we could just be Oprah and Gayle. I’ll definitely give you a call later tonight. I love that you know me well enough to say “call me when The Office and 30 Rock are done.”

Me: Here’s some food for thought. Des Moines and some other cities seriously need to rethink the names of their roads. I get to look at addresses as well as names all day, and I’m alternately laughing or am completely appalled. Here are some of my favorites:
* Peachy Canyon Circle (not kidding)
* Oralabor Road (sometimes getting there takes work . . .)
* Lower Beaver (anyone over the age of 12 should snicker)
* Wistful Vista Dr. (just vomited)
And here is a rather awkward e-mail address I had to e-mail a proof to. May I ask what comes to mind?
Should I be reporting a sex offender, or what??
Kenz’s Finds:
* Why Worry Lane
* Blue Suede Shoes Drive

Kenz as Matchmaker: I am such an Emma Woodhouse.
Me: Just glad you’re not a Rosemary Woodhouse . . .

Me: I believe anything John Denver tells me.
Kenz: That John Denver’s full of sh*t.

Me Annie Hall-ing: It’s just this conundrum of “obviously this would be perfect because your Facebook tells all,” but I don’t want to be with anyone who automatically thinks “the Facebook page tells all, and obviously it would be perfect.” It’s like Woody Allen not wanting to belong to any club that would have him as a member.
Kenz: I think that’s about enough neuroses for one day.

Me and Romance Novel Excitement: I’ll call you sometime this week, naturally, so that we may continue our Pirate Prince adventure. I’m thinking there will be some big dramatic rescue at the end where Dariq swoops in to get Willow from Ibrahim’s seraglio. And yes, I think it will be specifically in the seraglio. It makes me feel so exotic when I say it: Seh-RAH-glee-oooooo . . .

My apology: Sorry it took me a bit to respond, but I was watching Sleepless in Seattle and eating a brownie.

Kenz’s Concern: Let’s just hope she doesn’t turn all Glenn Close/Fatal Attraction on him. I feel like her current obsession with needing to be needed is leading her down this path. Okay, maybe she won’t get shot in a bathtub… but still.

Kenz at Work: At least your name isn’t Sarah Mullet. That’s who I am talking to right now.

A normal exchange: I could work those. The boob situation would be a little bit tricky though. I don’t like the idea of going freestyle there, but I’d probably have to. I’ve tried that on other occasions, but the memory of tearing it off my nipple later makes me leery.
Kenz: I totally read “the memory of it tearing off my nipple makes me leery.”
Me: No, luckily I still have both nipples.

Kenz Nails It: Life is hard. I don’t like decisions.

Me: Yay passive aggression! Always remember the PA code: I will be pleasant to your face, but I won’t hesitate to put a grenade in your basement. 🙂

Kenz’s Mission: I’m back from my hell on earth of delivering bread.

Me on the Death of Gary Coleman: I wanted to make an Avenue Q joke here, but that would be insensitive . . .I’ll wait a week.

Kenz Bored: I’m just sitting here staring at my hands.

Best Subject Lines
* Going Gay
* Going Gay (because I miss that subject line)
* Oh, Go Barf . . .
* The word of the day is boob-doodle
* Sick. Get a room.

Best of Attached Graphics
Kenz & I Solidify Our Girl Crush

I found this picture in a Clip Art program for work. Kenz responds: In my family we always kill the turkey by chasing it while playing the recorder. The bird can’t handle the vast amounts of “Hot Cross Buns” and has no choice but to drop dead.

Our kind of limo.
Our kind of limo

Take it for what it is.

Told Kenz to Google the name of a hot guy I worked with. This is what she found:

Found Kenz’s Future Wedding Look
Beach wedding

Best Obituary Photo I’ve Ever Found
Lambi, Dorothea


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