I Am (NOT) A Model, You Know What I Mean/ And I Do My Little Turn On The Catwalk

16 Apr

I would like to start out this post with a little shout out to Right Said Fred for being more confident and sexy than should be allowed.

Now that you’ve got that song stuck in your head for the next four days, let me share with you my thought process for this post. I was looking through my roommate’s Marie Claire magazines, and I was kind of surprised at how many designers and major labels still use way too skinny models who mold themselves into almost sickening poses and postures. After all of the Dove “Campaign for Real Beauty” stuff, and with the general cultural awareness that has been raised in the last several years about what kind of beauty we idealize, I guess I am still (naively) shocked that women who look anything but sexy are still appearing in ads. However, there was more of a mix of body types within the magazine than I expected. Still not a great range, but better than what I remember from opening any woman-targeted magazine at the beginning of the millenium.

One trend that was definitely apparent from looking through the mag is the downturn of designers using professional models, and the upsurge of them using actors and celebrities. Now, I know that many, many actors get into the business by modeling, but I wouldn’t consider them professionals at hawking labels and perfumes. This is even true when celebrities try to sell their own clothing lines and fragrances. Do I really believe that they designed the clothes and fragrances even mostly on their own? Hell to the no. I also don’t buy into it because it seems that most of the celebrities who “create” their own perfume are mostly people I certainly do not want to smell like (re: Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, Taylor Swift . . . I can smell the mediocrity just thinking about it).

Anyhoo, the notion that got my brain turning was the process of modeling itself. More specifically, I found myself pondering: how hard could it possibly be? I decided I was going to show up these ladies by proving how ridiculous their posturing is in the context of real life, and how easy their jobs really are. However, after attempting these poses I have to admit that, while models certainly aren’t brain surgeons in terms of the difficulty of their jobs, creating a persona that people want to imitate is pretty taxing. I also learned that, after years of doing stupid faces and poses in photos, maybe my generally goofy looks aren’t so much by accident after all. I am fo’ sho a fairly awkward human being, and I can’t “do sexy” to save my dorky little life. I have to give major props to my dear roommate, Claire, who tried to coach me into at least trying to reasonably mimic these poses and looks, but the failure here is all my own. However, the following comparisons between the model photos and my photos below (I hope) will give you the best laugh you have today. If any of you happened to be wondering why my roommate and I were peeing our pants laughing on the floor last night while I was clutching a jar of Miracle Whip, wonder no more. Enjoy.

The "Apathetic, Disjointed" Look

The “Apathetic, Disjointed” Look

The "Somebody Smack Me If I Make This Face Again"

The “Somebody Smack Me If I Make This Face Again”

The "My Ankles are Broken"

The “My Ankles are Broken”

The "My Pride is Broken"

The “My Pride is Broken”

The "Questioning Tilt"

The “Questioning Tilt”

The "Dazed & Confused"

The “Dazed & Confused”

The "Smell the Hair"

The “Smell the Hair”

The "Eat the Hair"

The “Eat the Hair”

The "Intense Stare"

The “Intense Stare”

The "Impotent Glare"

The “Impotent Glare”

The "In Love With This Product"

The “In Love With This Product”

The "In Love With This Condiment"

The “In Love With This Condiment”

The "Sunny Sprawl"

The “Sunny Sprawl”

The "Dead Fall"

The “Dead Fall”

The "Whimsical Leap"

The “Whimsical Leap”

The "Barely Hop"

The “Barely Hop”

The "Girly Kick"

The “Girly Kick”

The "At Least My Leg Is Up"

The “At Least My Leg Is Up”

The "Windy Shoulder"

The “Windy Shoulder”

The "Drunken Mess"

The “Drunken Mess”

The "Sheerly Serious"

The “Sheerly Serious”

The "Sheerly Dumbfounded"

The “Sheerly Dumbfounded”

The "Shhh Up"

The “Shhh Up”

The "Almost Pick" Up

The “Almost Pick” Up

The "Sun Goddes Pout"

The “Sun Goddes Pout”

The "Sun Goddes Pout Pt. 2"

The “Sun Goddes Pout Pt. 2”

The "Dead Trout"

The “Dead Trout”

I’d say I got the closest with the leg kick up picture, but really, if I can’t do everything Jessica Simpson does and do it better, I really don’t see any reason to try anymore.

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