A Quick, Funny Story

I was cleaning out my desk drawers today, and I came across one of my Christmas gifts from my stepgrandparents. I always look forward to their gift since they have a knack for getting me thoughtful things that are also really cool. Last year, it was a cheeseboard for serving fancy cheeses to guests (I didn’t even know I wanted that. Now I do!!). This year’s assortment of goodies included this little item:

It’s essentially a ponytail holder with fluffy furballs on it. Well, not essentially. That’s exactly what it is. I was a little perplexed as to the purpose of this (un)fashionable piece.

I showed it to my mom to see if she could make heads or tails of how to wear it without looking like a complete freak. She stared at it for a few seconds, then stuck it between her legs thusly:

And yelled, “Rabbit testicles!” That be my mother.

On another note, if anyone wants a ponytail holder with rabbit test-,I mean furballs on it, I’m selling one for super cheap.

Junk On Your Trunk

If there’s any place where you can get your fill of bumper stickers, it’s definitely Boulder.  A good drinking game would be to sit on the side of Arapahoe Avenue and take a swig every time a Subaru Outback with a “Coexist” sticker on it passes by (I said a good drinking game, not great).  In my college days, I actually sold these stickers, among others that had feminist and progressive sayings on them.  I do love and still have these stickers, but I’ll admit that I never stuck them on my car.  Even on my most zealous day, I really don’t feel like putting a sticky car tramp stamp on Rudy’s (my car) rear end.  She’s beautiful just as she is.

While I can understand why people have bumper stickers, I usually don’t find them necessary –and sometimes I even consider them a bad tactical move.  Anytime I see an a bumper sticker that is anti-choice, pro-gun, or generally small-minded, I start fantasizing about pulling up next to the person and beginning an argument.  Aggressive?  Yes.  Bad idea?  Totally.  However, it’s their fault for putting their ignorance on display for me to react to.  And aren’t you looking for a reaction when you display ridiculous ideas on the vehicle that takes you wherever you go?

Most bumper stickers leave me feeling good, bad, or indifferent, but there are a few stickers that just have me confused.  More specifically, there is a car that belongs to someone in my apartment building that has me really stumped.  Based on this person’s bumper stickers, I have them pegged as a sarcastic band nerd with a superiority complex, but I could be wrong.

Here’s a full view of the back end of the car:

Can you see where I’m coming from?  Of course, not all of these stickers are hard to figure out, there are just a select few that, after almost a year of looking at them, still make not even the slightest smidgen of sense.  Allow me to show my work.

Is this some sort of commentary on fairy tale-tainted schizophrenia?  Are we supposed to think this person is awkwardly imaginative?  A crazy rebel?  A mentally-ill descendant of the Brothers Grimm?  No entiendo.

This sticker runs along the same lines as the first, and is just as confusing.  It reminds me of how I feel about most of the t-shirts sold at any Hot Topic store: I just don’t understand why it needs to exist.  Also, who are these people who are sticking their noses in a dragon’s business?  You would think this sticker is aimed at Arthurian knights, but I don’t know of any Arthurian knights who would know what ketchup is.  The only person who might truly understand this bumper sticker is the main character from the ’90s classic A Kid in King Arthur’s Court (fun fact: Kate Winslet is in this little gem!).

Are you Shia LaBeouf?  Then I freaking doubt it.  (I’m operating under the assumption here that a Transformer is the same as an autobot.)  Also, if you were Shia LaBeouf, I would tell you to go back to the Disney Channel, because you peaked on Even Stevens.

This is just unnecessarily violent.  Why the hatred for the Type A kids with caring parents?  Your giant robot is just a hater.  Also, I notice that your giant robot “steps” on said honor student.  Good for the honor student for persisting through several steppings-on.

The pie is the truth.  The ice cream is a fallacy.  The creme brulee is a white lie to avoid telling someone how they really look in jeggings.  I’m stumped by this bumper sticker in several ways, but mostly by the fact that they have a picture of a piece of cake.  Is it just that piece of cake that’s a lie?  I don’t think I’ll ever find out unless I wait for the car’s owner and then pummel them with several pointed, and probably unanswerable, questions.

I don’t think I’ll ever unravel the mystery of the sarcastic band nerd-mobile, but if any of you have any insight, please let me know.